UNC….University of No Change

Nine months is a long period of time.  A human egg can be fertilized, cells begin to divide, and a new life if created in the span of 40 weeks.  Seasons can go from a beautiful fall day to the dog days of summer in the span of 270 days.  Lastly, absolutely nothing can be accomplished in the span of 9 months.  My husband and I have just found out how little can be done in 9 months all under the guise of "psychiatric care".

Last November, Paige began her journey with her first psychiatrist.  We were thankful that Paige had been accepted into an out patient program at one of the most prominent teaching universities in the US.  Our hopes  for her improvement were high.  We put our faith, our daughter's mental health, and our trust in a program and its professionals.  In exchange for our faith, and insurance coverage, Paige would begin working with a psychiatrist, an educational specialist, and an LSW whom acted as our liaison between Paige and the university professionals.

Paige went through an 8 week, intensive screening process.  When we sat down in the LSW's office, for the results of the screening process, I remember weeping because I thought: "This is it, we may finally get some answers".  My tears soon turned to confusion.  The doctor's report seemed so far off base.  Was the doctor seeing the same child we live with every day.  For Paige's sake, we took the information in and let the therapy proceed as suggested.

Weeks turned to months and we did not see any positive change in Paige's behavior.  In fact Paige seemed to be deteriorating with every passing week.  I made countless phone calls weekly, even daily, to the LSW, hoping to get answers on Paige's behavior.  Week after week the answers were the same:  "Ah ha, I see", "Paige is going to  require long term care".    Little did I know that the university did not intend to be part of Paige's care plan.  Two months into Paige's treatment Paige's  doctors were formulating her discharge date.  Paige was going to be out  of the program in July.

When Paige's discharge plan were made we were never informed.  We had always been told that Paige would transition out of the program but we were never given a date.  In the early summer Paige's behavior deteriorated in an alarming state.  When we needed help the most the university did little to assist our family.  One afternoon I got the call,  Paige was "OUT OF THE PROGRAM" in July!  No warning, no notice, Paige was out.  We were hung out to dry.

Earlier this week I went to pick up Paige's record's from the university.  I tried to speak with the LSW liaison but I was told that she was with the "new doctors".    All at once I realized why Paige was released from the program, it was a new school year.  A new crop of doctors was rotating through the "clinic".  Paige's psychiatrist had done her time in the university and had moved on.  Paige was a victim of the revolving door doctor program.

So here we are 9 months later.  Paige was no more than a guinea pig the the university system.  My complaints to university administrators have fallen on deaf ears.  No one wants to own up to duping our family.  I wonder how many other children now find themselves in the same position.  How many our families are voiceless in the world of pediatric mental health.

Despite our wasted time, hope, and money, God has been faithful.  We have found a wonderful new therapist who has a great deal of experience working with children like Paige.  After my first meeting with Paige’s new doctor I have a sense of renewed hope.  I feel as if there is someone in our corner fighting this difficult battle with us.  Paige may finally have her chance for a more normal life.

What Happens When…..?

I have always thought that one of my main roles as a mother was to protect my child from pain, harm, sickness, and the day to day life struggles that make our lives difficult.  Recently, I have had to acknowledge that I can not protect my daughter from the one thing that is causing her constant turmoil.  I am helpless in this battle to protect my baby.  How can I fight her mental illness?

Over the past two months my 6 year old's daughter's behavior has spiraled out of control.  Paige has always had difficulties in her life, nothing has ever come easy for her.  Abused and and neglected by her biological family, we her foster family, were left to pick up the pieces of her broken life.  By the time she was 3, Paige had lived a life time of sorrow and torment.  I hoped and prayed that soon she would recover; the next month or year would be better for her, it had to be.

As time passed, “better” never seemed to come.  Birthdays came and went, each year was more difficult than the next.  Bad behavior gave way to truly concerning behavior and I find myself here today; exhausted, angry, overwhelmed, sick and tired of doctors who can't agree and doctors who want to jump ship when we need them most.  I have done everything that has been asked of me by MD's, psychiatrists, and social workers,  and nothing has changed for the better. 

Why is it that the professionals do so little and get paid so much?  Paige has paid the ultimate price for the ineptitude of "the system".  By the Paige was 4 months old she was placed into the foster care system, her needs were never the priority.  This country’s foster care system is over burdened and under staffed.  Too many children languish in “the system” without a voice or advocate. 

It is often hard not to focus on Paige’s start in life.  I try not to think about the "what ifs".  What if we had been able to adopt Paige a year sooner, what if she did not have to visit her abusers, every week, for 1 1/2 years?  What if she had been loved since the day she was born?  What if I could have done more?  If it weren’t for God’s grace and mercy I think I would be over come with these thoughts.  I know that God wanted my husband and I to be Paige’s parents, however He never promised us an easy journey.

Prior to writing this post this I was “moved” to look for a Christian therapist.  Within an hour I received a call from the therapist I had e-mailed.  After spending 20 minutes discussing Paige  I felt confident to schedule an appointment.  It may be too early to be hopeful but I feel some what better.   Now all I need to do is give my burden over to God, only He can shoulder the burden that has been so heavy on my heart.

When is Never?

I have been reading parenting books on childhood behaviors, ADHD, SPD, and other disorders for the past 2 1/2 years.  We have been given advice on parenthood from friends, family, doctors, and perfect strangers.  Until today, no one and no "how to guide" has offered my husband and I words that have had a substantial impact on our family situation.

Today, I took Paige for her initial intake evaluation for "Intensive Home Therapy".  We have reached a point in our lives where once a week, out patient psychiatric therapy, is not effective for Paige's escalating behaviors.  I immediately liked Paige's future therapist, Miss D.  If we are accepted into this much needed program, Miss D. promised me something we have not had much of in Paige's treatment thus far.  Today, I was promised honesty and a forthright professional exchange on what we are facing with our daughter.

Driving home from the appointment I went over the conversation I had with Miss D.  I was somewhat irritated because I had not heard many of these statements from Paige's treating psychiatrist.  I felt as if the bulk of what has been discussed in the past 6 months of therapy has been sugar-coated to save my feelings.  The harsh realities of a 5 year old with mental illness are just that, HARSH.  Obscuring our reality or that of our future will only cause our family more pain "down the road".

Despite the reality check I got this afternoon, our morning got off to a great start.  Paige "graduated" from pre-school.  I know that many people that feel that graduation for young children is a foolish exercise.  On some levels I agree, we reward our children for almost anything these days.  But today, I am just a proud mom of a little girl.  Today may be the first and last day Paige is on equal footing with her peers.  Today, Paige was just a little girl wearing a white cap and gown.

As I think about the months to come I know that many things will change.  We will have therapists, in our home, 3-4 times a week.  When September rolls around Paige will not be starting kindergarten with the children she graduated with; Paige will go into a special education class.  My hopes for homeschooling Paige are now memories of what I had hoped for; instead she will be taught by another woman.

It is my greatest hope and my constant prayer that Paige will reach a point where her conditions stop worsening.  Often, I used to say to myself, "next year will be different".  Each year is different but not in the ways that I had hoped.  For now I want Paige's internal turmoil to become still.  I want her to do the things an average 5 year old does.  I pray for a time with less therapy and medication.  I want the peace we once had in our home to return.

I am faithful that God knows what is best for Paige and for our family.  It would be so much better if I turned more to Him than to the doctors I seem to talk to daily.  God brought Paige into our world and it is our joy, our pain, and our responsibility to see that she gets the care she needs.  God in turn will take care of our needs as we lay them at His feet.

Time Running Out…..Get Your Tee!!

There are only 9 days left to get your 1st Edition Passion, Proverbs, & Me, tee shirt. If you are a Proverbs 31 kind of women you will love this shirt. Follow the link below to get your tee or hoodie. Thank you 

http://teespring.com/passionsproverbsandmeblogspotc

Our Worst Nightmare

I was blessed to drive past this beautiful field of wild flowers today.

For the past month my family has been living in what I will call "lock down" mode.  We are having a problem with one of our daughters trying, and sometimes succeeding, sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night.  Upon hearing this statement one would think that this is the behavior of our teen, rebelling against house rules.  Unfortunately, our teen is always tucked safely in her bed.  It is our 5 year old, who driven by a ever present compulsion, to walk one of our dogs.

This morning, and I mean early morning, we got the call no parent ever wants to get.  My husband and I were awoken at 4:15 by a call from the local sheriff.  "Do you have a daughter named Paige" the voice on the other end of the phone asked?  We shot up out of bed and ran for the front porch.  We were both overwhelmed to find Paige holding a flash light, a leash and one of our dogs, dressed in a tee-shirt and flip flops, holding the hand of one of our neighbors.             

This field of flowers was a bright spot in my day.

The only words that came out of my mouth were:  "she's special needs, she's special needs".  Fortunately, the sheriff and our neighbor were very understanding.  I scolded Paige severely for what she had done.  Paige however did not care that she had caused such and uproar, nor did she show the slightest bit of fear in being out alone in the middle of the night.

Once we got back in the house Paige admitted she has taken a key and let herself out of the house.  For the past month we have had to lock and dead-bolt every door in the house because Paige had made attempts to get out of the house.  We had also installed an alarm on a "baby-gate" that she must go through to get into and out of her room.  As far as we can tell, Paige got over the gate without setting the alarm off.  She then used a chair to climb up into the kitchen counter;  from there she was able to reach the hidden key, 3 shelves up.

By now,  you must be thinking, how does a family get to this point?  Honestly, it has not been easy.  We are doing our best to raise a child with serious behavioral and mental healthcare issues.  The genetic material passed onto her from her biological parents combined with severe abuse and neglect, helped form our baby's character.  We are now doing our best to keep Paige safe and get her the care she so desperately needs.

When we have days like this I often wonder what God sees in me?  I know that it is God that who wanted us to be Paige's parents and protectors.  When things seem to go badly, and I feel as if I am failing in the things I do, I find myself asking "What is it You see in me Lord"?  "What am I supposed to do"?  Normally I do not get the answers that I seek, but I know that God does not make mistakes.  

More than anything, I would like people to understand just how difficult things can be with a child who has mental health issues.  I have been blessed with a few close friends who know, and understand what our day to day life is like.  There have also been other people who claimed to be Christian and understanding.  Their lack of compassion and understanding of our situation still hurts me every time I think of them.

As I close this post I think about the night ahead.  Will I be able to sleep?  Will Paige try to get out and go for a walk?  I am already planning for tomorrow: 1 doctor visit, multiple phone calls to set up intensive in home therapy, try to fit some time in for being a normal child.  I know that through it all God is watching over us.  I hope and pray that one day things will normalize.  Until that day I will remain faithful and love the little girl we so desperately want to help.

What an amazing display of God's wondrous power.

Thoughts On Mother's Day

I have had the privilege of celebrating Mother's Day for the past 13 years.  My husband and I have been blessed with two beautiful girls, ages 13 and 5.  Our oldest daughter Rose, is our biological daughter.  She has been an easy child since the day she was born.  Our youngest daughter, Paige, came into our lives through adoption.  Life with Paige has been filled with the best and worst of times.  We are confident however, that God meant for us to be Paige's parents.

When I was a new mom I had great expectations on what I thought Mother's Day would mean for me.  It seemed obvious to me, that the day should be filled with cards and flowers, breakfast in bed, and not lifting a finger the entire day.  I fed into the media blitz, stereotype, of what the perfect Mother's Day should be……for perfect people.

Sadly, as the first Mother's Day came and went I was a bit disappointed.  I did not wake up to cards and flowers, nor was my breakfast made!  Worse yet, dirty diapers were waiting for me to change.  It was hard for me not to get upset, I had dreamt of having a perfect day and it wasn't perfect.  It had not occurred to me that my focus was all wrong.  It would take years for me to truly appreciate the true meaning of Mother's Day.

Now, years later, my thoughts on the ideal Mother's Day have changed.  While cards and flowers are nice, and I still like getting them, they are not what I expect to wake up to on the day.  I am happy to wake up knowing that I have 2 wonderful daughters to raise.  Having almost lost our youngest daughter, to a broken foster care system, has put my priorities straight.  

This year was by far my best Mother's Day ever.  We had a great day at home doing almost nothing.  I cleaned what I wanted to clean, I made my own breakfast and I cooked breakfast for my late sleeping teen.  Later in the day I snoozed on the couch with my lazy dogs.  For dinner, my husband cooked a gourmet dinner of Danish style pancakes, and everyone was happy. What more could a mother want?

As with many things in life, maturity makes all the difference.  Because of the many difficult circumstances we have been through with our youngest daughter, these past 3 years, I have come to appreciate the simple things in life.  Nothing is more important than the health and happiness of our children.  Nothing means more to mean than  the love of my husband and my girls.  God has given me the best gift I could ever want, He placed me on the path to my family.  I give thanks and praise, to Him, everyday.

Today's Crafting Quickie

Despite having a terrible upset stomach I have managed to get some crafting time in.  To say that I have a "thing" for picture frames is an understatement.  I love to decorate with with ornate, gesso, antique frames, thrifty frames I have found at Goodwill, and fames that I make myself.  Today, I am working on 3 frames.  Two of the frames are painted wood, and the third is decoupage and painted wood.  

One of the advantages of making your own picture frames is having the ability to select the color of your frame.  Vibrant picture frames can add a pop of color to any room.  Also, in making your own frame you have the opportunity to get creative in what you are framing.  I have framed family pictures, vintage linens, and anything else that suits your fancy.

Here is a sneak peek into what I have been working on.  If you would like any tips or suggestion on where to go to get materials please feel free to leave a comment.

Have a blessed evening….Lisa

Exciting News!!!!!

I am happy and proud to announce that tonight is the launch of Passions, Proverbs, & Me, first edition tees.  Proverbs 31:10-31,  has been an inspiration in my life since becoming a Christian.  I strive to live up to the woman, described in this most famous of biblical Proverbs.  We, as women, are surrounded by many negative images which we can not or should not aspire to live up to.  TV, news, and images in magazines tell us that we are too fat, not wearing the latest fashions, not raising our children in the right manner, and not making our husbands happy.  Truly, the only place we should be looking for inspiration is in the words of our Lord and in the lives of other Godly women.  I hope you take the time to check out my new tee-shirt.  I will be wearing it proudly and sharing the words of our Lord any where that I can.  Have a great evening, and God Bless.

Passions, Proverbs, & Me - First Edition Tees

A Dachshund, A Snoodle, and a Frenchie, Oh My !!

I always knew, from the time I was a little girl, that I wanted to have more than one child.  Growing up as an only child had its advantages, but I always longed for a sibling to be my partner in crime.  My parents had different ideas than I, so another child was never welcomed into our family.  I believe it was the summer I was 8, that I knew I would have "lots" of children.

Much to my dismay, it looked as if my oldest daughter would be an only child.  My body failed me, so my desire to have "lots" of children could not be accommodated by my dysfunctional lady-bits.  Unlike myself, my daughter Rose was happy being an only child.  There were occasions when she talked about having a sibling, but it was always an older sibling.  I delicately explained, that if a sibling ever came along, he or she would be younger.  

Before my husband and I made the decision to adopt through the foster care system, I had baby fever.  I guess I should clarify and say, I had puppy fever.  I bugged, pleaded, and nagged my husband for a puppy.  Initially he said "no" because we had an aging great dane, pit bull mix.  We had no idea how our old girl would react to an upstart puppy.  Our Diamond as a wonderful, sweet, dog.  I knew that she would of course she would be great to a puppy!

After weeks of harassment I finally wore my husband down.  The three of us went on an adventure and came home with the tiniest puppy I had ever seen.  We had our new baby, a miniature dachshund, named Daisy.  It was only a matter of days before she was head of the house.  Within weeks she had earned the nick-name, Daisy the dachshund of doom and destruction.  Daisy was the substitute for the human baby I had wanted, and boy oh boy is she spoiled!

Shortly after we moved to NC, while my husband was on a business trip, I got the "itch" again to open our home to another to another "child".  Daisy was very happily spoiled, Paige now our adopted human child was 3 years old, and Rose our oldest was now 10.  Determined to rescue a needy dog, I drove to our local ASPCA.   It was then that we got our next baby…Roxy.  

Poor Roxy had been adopted and returned twice.  She was the scruffiest, stinkiest, dog I had ever seen. Her hair was missing in huge patches and her skin bright red.  Roxy was suffering from severe skin allergies that had gone untreated.  She had never been given the chance at a normal, healthy life because no one ever took the time to care for her.  I fell head over heels for her.  

You would think that after adopting Roxy that our family would be complete.  Nope, not yet.  One day while on line I came across a picture of a one-eyed French Bull dog named Willow.  Willow had been dumped on the doorstep of a local vet, on a frozen January night.  She was so sickly that one of her eyes had to be removed because of infection.  After seeing her picture I knew we had to give her a home.  

Has anyone noticed a trend yet?  I am a sucker for the literal under-dog.  Roxy, despite intensive medical treatment, still suffers terribly from skin issues.  We are constantly aware of pollen levels, dog food ingredients, and what's in the doggie shampoo.  Willow has done well with only one eye.  Humans are often the ones at risk when we walk in her blind side.  We have discovered that Willow has bladder control issues, thank goodness for medication and doggies diapers!

Our canine family is such a huge part of our lives.  When life is extremely stressful because of our youngest's issues, my dogs are always there to provide comfort.  Our 3 wacky mutts fill our home with a constant source of love and humor.  There are many days when the dogs are the only "people" who listen to me.  I thank God everyday for our 4-legged companions, we are blessed to have them in our home. 

Today's Crafting Quickie…..Peace of Mind

One of the things that keeps me sane in our crazy life is my love of crafts and painting.  I haven't always been a crafty person.  In truth I was the anti-Martha Stewart for most of my adult life.  It wasn't until I realized that I needed to take sometime for myself that I realized I liked make things with my hands.  I am by no means a great artist, but I love the things that I do make.  My next project is going to be making paper flowers.  I came across a wonderful book, in the April edition of Martha Stewart, Living.  The book is called: The Exquisite Book of Paper Flowers  A Guide to Making Unbelievably Realistic Paper Blooms

You may find it online at:  http://www.abramsbooks.com/Books/The_Exquisite_Book_of_Paper_Flowers-9781617691003.html

I hope you take the time to check this book out.  The book, as well as the flowers in it, are beautifully made.  I can't wait to get started!

TGI…..Today

Today started out as one of "those" days.  A day when everything seemed to go wrong before I 8AM.  Before I gave my life to Christ a day that started out this badly would only proceed to get worse.  Once my attitude was soured it was wise to avoid me for the rest of the day.  My oldest daughter used to asked me:  "Mamma, did you have your coffee today?"  "You seem awfully grumpy!"

Thankfully, Christ has been instrumental in changing my life.  He has placed wonderful churches, pastors, and Godly women in my path. Several years ago I was fortunate to have attended a bible study class on a book written by the Christian author, Max Lucado.  The name of the book is "Everyday Deserves a Chance".  

This book taught me that every day has the potential to be great.  No problem, issue, or embarrassment, should be given the power to ruin an entire day.  I learned that it was and is possible have a do-over any day of the week.  Almost no problem was big enough to ruin my day.

So, is it really possible to turn your day around?  My unequivocal answer is "yes"!  Psalm 118:24 tells us that "This is the day the LORD has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it."  Each and every time I feel as if I am falling into a pit of  self doubt, self pitty, or down right anger I reflect on those words.  Psalm 118:24 reminds to think about the glories of God's creation.

Today was a day that I needed to think of Psalm 118:24 and the words of Max Lucado over and over again.  I had many reasons to give up on my day:  a child who felt the need to hide so long I was ready to phone the police, this incident lasted so long I left my house 30 minutes later than expected, I drove and hour to a doctor's office who refused to see me because I was late, all before 10:30AM.

After my doctor refused to see me I had a choice to make.  Be unhappy and pout the rest of the day or be happy and enjoy the sites and quiet time I had in the car.  I took the high rode and enjoyed my ride while doing the rest of errands.  I even stopped to take some pictures of God's glorious works.  This is the day the LORD has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it!

Apples and Oranges

Last year, in a heated conversation, a misguided individual told me that she knew "exactly what I was going through" with my children and family life.  As I think back over that conversation I wish that individual could spend a day in my home.  As a matter of fact I think it would be beneficially for many people I have been acquainted with to spend a day in my home. Oh, if wishes could come true!

My husband and I love both of our children dearly.  Our youngest daughter Paige, who is adopted, has been a challenge since the day we welcomed her into our home.  As adoptive, foster parents we knew the child we would likely adopt would face many trials.  Our daughter's bio-parents have histories of drug and alcohol abuse, mental health diagnoses, and criminal behaviors resulting in incarceration.  Not much else could go wrong.

Paige's DNA was the perfect storm of bad genes.  Unfortunately, bad genes were not the only card this child was dealt.  Abuse and neglect further shaped the child she is today.  In the almost 4 years she has been in our home, we have waited for "her next year to get better".  As we approach her 6th birthday we are facing more problems than ever.

Since her second birthday we have traded developmental problems for serious behavioral, intellectual, and psychological  problems.  We have traded a single pediatrician and neurologist in for a developmental pediatrician, a "regular" pediatrician" and a team of psychiatric professionals.  We are a family on high alert, always vigilant so Paige does not get into something, steal something, inadvertently harm herself,  her sister or our dogs.  We can never completely relax nor take time away unless my parents drive down from CT 12 hours away.

Now, as for those people who thought they understood our lives, "y'all" got it wrong.  A child, with ADHD, born into a loving home can not be compared to my child.   My family life can not compare to anyone else I know because you do not have a child like our Paige.   I can not be the person  most people expect me to be because I have nothing left to give.  My life is devoted to raising 2 so called normal children.  One child who was fortunate enough to be born into a loving family and one child we are striving to give a normal life.

If I had my wish I would love to have my detractors spend a day in my life.  Christ has given us the strength to fight this battle for Paige.  Although we are often tired, sometimes frustrated, and more busy than I like to be, we have a good life.  It would be nice to have more understanding friends to support us on our journey, but that is not God's plan.  At the end of our life we will look back on these days with love and fondness, forgetting the stress and trials.  Until that time we will pray for peace and patience, and maybe even some understanding.

In My Own Backyard

Sometimes in life you have to own up and admit when you are wrong.  As much as I hate to admit it, I have been wrong time and time again since moving to NC.  Despite many hours of thought and planning, my ideas about how life should be have been ended up disastrous.  Fortunately for me, God and my family have shown me grace, love and, unconditional support.

Even though I am 45 years old I still believe in fairy tales.  God has blessed me with far more than I ever deserve.  I have a wonderful husband,  2 beautiful daughters, and everything I could ever want in life……and yet something was missing.  Our family had become an island, we were connected to almost  no one in the small town in which we live. 

So what does a good Christian girl do when she is looking for some company?  I started looking for a new church.  Not just any church, a big church.  A church with all the bells and whistles a church could possibly have.  It wasn't long before I found "the church".   This was going to be great, all of our needs were going to be met.  “Wow, I am good.”

Well, my enthusiasm, and that of my family was short lived.  I did not take into consideration that our new super church was almost 40 miles from our house.  That meant getting up at the crack of dawn, driving 80 miles round trip for Sunday morning service, and driving another 80 miles for evening classes.  Worse yet, while we were willing to drive to "the church" none of our new friends would return the favor.  We were still a lonely island in our small town. 

Frustrated and exhausted I had to admit I made a mistake picking our new church.  What good was a great sermon when I slept through it?  I knew I needed to make a better choice for my family.  My prejudice against small town churches had to be set aside.  Just because I life in our small town had not been all sunshine and roses didn't mean that our little town couldn’t have a good church.

God is good!  Despite my pride and prejudice we found a great church.  We also managed to find some really great people who host a church, community group 1 street over from our house.  It has taken us, mostly me, 3 years to be comfortable in our own back yard.  I have let  personal feelings cloud my judgment on the town in which we live.  Another mistake I had to own up to.

Despite my hopes, my fairy tale dreams crashed and burned not long after we moved to NC.  I may have been let down by more than one person in our new life, but God has introduced a new cast of characters.  God does not want us to be islands unto ourselves.  We are meant to be part of a community of the faithful, we are also meant to open our doors to strangers in need.  The next time I feel the need to go searching for something I know I won't go so far.  I now know that their are many hidden treasures in my own backyard.

Live, Learn, and Pray

I  have written, more than once, that life in NC has not turned out as I had hoped.  My fairy tale dream of having a relationship with my "half brother" lasted only months after we moved to NC.  My husband and children sacrificed the life they new for the hope of my dreams coming true.  Today, almost 3 years later life is so very different from those foolish, ill-conceived dreams I once had.

One of the biggest mistakes I made prior to moving to NC was leaving God out of the planning process.  I felt as if I knew what was best for my family, and God would bless those plans.  How wrong I was.  What I so desperately needed to do was to pray and ask God if what I wanted to do was the right decision.  If I had prayed and listened for God’s will what would our lives be like today?

God has seen us through many trials here in NC; life here has not been easy.  Our dependance on God has grown exponentially.  Unfortunately, our need for God has also grown.  Life with a special needs child, another child having gone through major surgery, and myself dealing with chronic medical conditions,  are obstacles most other families do not face.  Yet, we do our best to face life everyday with new hope.

As parents of a child with behavioral and other special needs we are always dealing with a tantrums, melt downs, or other, often troublesome behavior, that breaks up the peace of the day.  Despite having a team of specialists for our youngest daughter we still do not have the life of a "normal family".  We are away from family and friends who understand our situation.  Lately, more than ever, I have realized the implication of our move.  

We have learned many lessons in our time in NC.  Most importantly that God is the center of our family.  God will never lead us astray.  God will always love us, flaws and all.  If we are to flourish in our new home we need to continue to put our faith in God and forget the past hurts and disappointments.  

I am ready for a new beginning.  Spring is here and change is upon us.  Although life may be challenging God has confidence that we can overcome any obstacle or 5 year old.  In time, His time, we will find our way to the place we are meant to be.  I believe that our  mistakes are stepping stones to the paths we are meant take.  This time next year we will be well traveled souls on this path called life.

More Than Words

Lately, I have been dealing with a serious case of writer's block.  My life is moving at a pace that is not conducive to so-called down time.  I feel like a hamster running on one of those little wheels, always in motion but getting nowhere.  We all have these days, but I don't think we own up to them enough.  We, as women, are supposed to be super moms, wives, and women, doing it all with ease and finesse.

I am a firm believer that what happens in our lives is a result of God's bigger plan for us.  Since 2006 God has placed many obstacles and challenges in my path, and that of my family.  Each challenge, though difficult, strengthened some aspect of our life.  No challenge was ever more than I or my spouse, Claus could handle.  Prayer became our life line to God.  God was always listening.

People who do not believe in the power of prayer have often asked:  "How do you know God is listening?"  "How does God speak to you?"  Life would be much easier if God could just answer our prayers immediately, in a grand, Fatherly tone.   After many years of prayer and reflection I have finally come to accept that God works in His time and on His terms.  We, as His children, need to be patient, faithful, and open to anyway God could reveal His will.

For several months a particular issue been on my heart, and taking up too my space in my already full mind.  I have prayed and asked God for guidance, direction,  and most of all wisdom.  For a very long time God seemed silent to my prayers.  I started to believe that maybe my problem was not meant to be resolved; and then it happened, God spoke.

So how does God speak to someone on a Monday morning?  How do I know it was God?  There are times in life when mere words take on extraordinary meaning.  Today, I happened to be listening to a new program on satellite radio. This program addressed the specific issue I had been praying about.  I was filled with praise because this 30 minute program gave me the encouragement I needed to change my state of mind.  I truly feel that God was speaking through this program.

God is great!  God has "spoken" to me many other times in my life, through many other “instruments.”  When I have listened to His messages or followed His word, life has been good, not always easy but good.  God can speak to all of us if we are willing to listen.  First we must start with faith and prayer.  I can't imagine where our lives would be without our Savior.  I am confident that He will continue to help me on my life path.  .

Just Say No…..To Everything

One of the things that my husband and I have always enjoyed doing is having a good meal.  When we lived in Connecticut, and our children were younger we had the opportunity to dine out most weekends.  We loved having the opportunity to go to local restaurants or into New York City for the innumerable selection of restaurants.  I miss the diversity of foods that we had in CT.  Food in small town NC just isn't the same.

Claus and I no longer have the same opportunities to go out and have culturally diverse food in the small town we live in.  Unfortunately, our youngest daughter makes dining out in a "nice" restaurants very difficult.  If we wanted to have something other than Mexican or Italian we would have to drive 35 minutes to an hour to find what her are looking for…..a nice grown up restaurant.  We have been left with few options.

Despite complaints from my children, I am a good cook.  I love to experiment with new dishes and ingredients. If we can't get out, I will create the food at home.  I also have a passion for baked goods.  There is nothing better than fresh baked cookies, cake or pie.  My oldest daughter went so far as to say: "Why can't you be a normal mom?  Normal mom's don't bake cookies on Monday!"  I don't really know what that means but I guess that I am abnormal.

So why am I going on about food?  Well, food has become too big a part of my life.  Food has become my comfort when I am stressed, a tool for celebration, a break from boredom, and a friend when I have felt alone.  I love the wrong kinds of food and they are making me sick.  I have an educational background in nutrition and I select the wrong foods to fill my body.  Eight years ago I weighed 122lbs.  Today, I would not tell you what I weigh because I am embarrassed.

Last week I had an upper endoscopy.  Despite my hopes the test did not come back normal.  My poor eating habits, and lack of management of a condition called GERD has caused some concerning changes to tissue in my esophagus.  I am lucky that this was caught early.  The tissue, though suggestive of a pre-cancerous condition, is not that severe YET.  My doctor has recommend change, drastic change in my diet to reverse the damage to the effected tissue.

Starting Monday my diet will look nothing like the things I am used to eating.  Most of what I like to eat will be banned from my new diet plan.  I will no longer be able to eat:   full fat dairy products (yogurts, cheeses, ice cream), CHOCOLATE, fatty meats & cold cuts, spicy foods, citrus fruits, tomatoes, any acidic fruits and vegetables.  Basically, I am allowed to eat high fiber fruit and vegetables and low fat proteins, no snacking between meals, and no eating 3 hours.

My diet is not entirely responsible for my health issues.  Genetics has played some role, my biological father died of esophageal cancer in his early sixties.  With God's mercy and grace I will not follow in my father's genetic footsteps.  I know that this not going to be easy for me .  Change never is easy, especially when  iti is radical.  I hope that if anyone is facing the same sort of issue, please contact me through the blog.  We all need support at one point in our live.  Take care and God Bless, have a great weekend.

Lisa

Two Loaves Of Bread

I heard the door of our antique bread box door slam against the kitchen counter.  Before I could get to Paige she was trying to beat the "you know what" out of 2 loaves of bread.  I was too late to save the bread but I was able to save the a glass of water.  This is what out life has become, moving from one outburst to the next.  We see less and less of our "Little Cupcake".  Hopefully soon, things will change.

If you look at Paige she is a seemingly normal 5 year old.  That is our blessing; it is also a draw back.  Paige may be 5 years old chronologically but she has the mentality of a much younger child.  Unfortunately, Paige's issues are not a question of immaturity.  If it only we that easy. 

Paige's brain does not have the ability to process many things:  abstract thought and concepts, she can not "read" people's body language or process sarcasm.  Much to my surprise, Paige has a learn disability.  More surprising, Paige may never be able to live independently later in life.  That is just the beginning of what Paige is facing.

Paige's fate was predetermined by the irresponsible and reckless behavior of her biological parents.  Their selfish want for alcohol, drugs, and their own person history with mental illness has effected the life of a little girl in ways they will never know.  We were robbed of knowing what could have been a happy and healthy child.

When we welcomed Paige into our home at 14 months we knew that she was special, that her needs were significant.  I never imagined that one day we would be in the position that we are now.  I did not imagine that we would have to seek specialized psychiatric treatment for a 5 year old.  I could not bear to think that the dreams for my little girl would not come true.  I did not think that everyday tasks like going to the grocery store would be so difficult.  We now have to rethink our dreams for Paige.

Despite the challenges that we are faced with everyday, I know that God has placed Paige with our family for a reason.  Paige has been a blessing to us since the day she came into our home.  With the resources that we now have through UNC, and the specialized services we will begin to utilize over the next several months I know things will get better.  There is nothing to big for God, His love and mercy are our constant source of strength. 

How Many Villages Does It Take?

I will preface my blog by stating that I am a conservative, Christian, whose political views swing to the right.  With that said, on some levels I believe in Hillary Clinton's philosophy that it takes a village to  raise a child.  Here’s where my beliefs and Mrs. Clinton's differ; I believe that a community, such as a church community is essential to the life of a family.

Today, my girls and I attended our first service, at what I hope will be our new home church.  For the first time in several months I feel settled, as if I have walked into a familiar place.  Prior to attending our first service, we had the opportunity to meet with the youth pastor.  He, like myself and family, is a transplant to NC.  In fact, the pastor mentioned that because we are in Raleigh many of the church families are transplants.

Living in NC the past 2 1/2 years has not been easy.  As much as we love the family life we have established here, and in SC, things haven’t always been easy.  I fell in love with the stereotype of what life in the south could be like.  I thought because I had crossed the imaginary north/south line that life would be different.  I thought that life would automatically be slower, kinder,  more gentle, and easier.  How wrong I was.

Today, was a day of positive change.  It’s the first day of our new life in the south.  It is unfortunate that my husband had to cross that imaginary line and drive up north, back to CT.   Our new church feels like the church we left behind in CT.  We were met with warm welcoming faces from time of arrival in the parking lot until we left "kids church".

I feel confident saying that our new church is a wonderful place.  It will be the place that my youngest daughter will grow through the help of the special needs ministry.  We will all have the benefit of meeting and connecting with other families through small groups, in members homes.  God's timing was perfect, words that I needed to hear were spoken in my Sunday school class.  Lastly, my teenage daughter even left the church with a smile!

Living away 12 hours away from family is not always easy.  Having a caring community of friends is a treasure that is not easily found.  I am an idealist and a Christian, I have been told for far to long that my ideals are too lofty.  There are Christians who are willing to be part of an extended family, willing to lend an ear or a hand, willing to clean a toilet,  as my wonderful friend Mari once did.  We need to open ourselves up and start building villages

Simple Words Of Wisdom

It has been about 15 years since the death of my grandfather.  Not a day goes by when I don't think about my Pop, AKA Papa Fritz.  I was blessed to have my maternal grandparents in my life into my early 30's.  One of the memories I miss most about my Papa is the long talks we used to have around his kitchen table.  My Pop was a quiet man, but when we sat down at that table we could talk for hours.

Many of the conversations I had with my Pop could have been world history lessons.  As a young man, my pop travelled the world as a merchant marine.  Pop lived through 2 world wars, lived on two continents, and was the smartest man I ever knew.  My life was shaped by my beloved Papa.  He imparted in me, important words of wisdom that  I still try to live by today.

One of the most important lessons my grandfather ever taught me was:  "Don't EVER trust anyone who doesn't like animals, especially dogs".  At the time I did't think much about his comment because I was young.  As I  became older, this sentiment has taken on far greater meaning.  It is, or has been, the criteria for which I have chosen friends, purchased products I use, and when I was younger determined where I lived.

Lately, I have thought more about my Papa's simple words.  I wonder what our world would be like if all people used this advice as a tool for measuring character?  We live in a world where politicians, dominant the news for poor behavior, inside and outside the political office.  We live in a world where young adults playing the "knock out game" make the national nightly news.  We live in a world where apathy flows through our society like the Mississippi River.

Imagine now a world in which one's character was measured by the compassion and affection one felt for animals. Now think about those people who don’t have compassion or affection for animals.    Which group of people do you think would be more inclined to work for a community instead of fighting for the prestige of political office?  Think of impressionable adolescents, who had genuine compassion and affection for animals, would they be on the streets inflicting pain and suffering on complete strangers?  Would rampant apathy exist if "we" as a society learned to care for someone or something other than oneself?

My Papa did not hold prestigious degrees or go to expensive universities, and yet he gave me a priceless education.  My Papa was a simple man, he loved his family, he loved his animals, and he was happiest at home on his farm.  As I look back over my life,  Pop's advice always kept my life on the right path .   When I have lost sight of Pop's advice, I usually lost sight of my self and the way I was meant to live.

So, as I look ahead to the new year, I am confident in new beginnings.  I know that January 1st has come and gone but I think that there's still time for one more resolution/declaration.  This year will be like no other.  Bigger and better things are on the horizon: with the words of my Papa, prays to my Heavenly Father, and heeding, the advice of a Northerner, former southern bell, I know this is going to be the best year ever!