Wednesday, May 21, 2014

When is Never?

I have been reading parenting books on childhood behaviors, ADHD, SPD, and other disorders for the past 2 1/2 years.  We have been given advice on parenthood from friends, family, doctors, and perfect strangers.  Until today, no one and no "how to guide" has offered my husband and I words that have had a substantial impact on our family situation.

Today, I took Paige for her initial intake evaluation for "Intensive Home Therapy".  We have reached a point in our lives where once a week, out patient psychiatric therapy, is not effective for Paige's escalating behaviors.  I immediately liked Paige's future therapist, Miss D.  If we are accepted into this much needed program, Miss D. promised me something we have not had much of in Paige's treatment thus far.  Today, I was promised honesty and a forthright professional exchange on what we are facing with our daughter.

Driving home from the appointment I went over the conversation I had with Miss D.  I was somewhat irritated because I had not heard many of these statements from Paige's treating psychiatrist.  I felt as if the bulk of what has been discussed in the past 6 months of therapy has been sugar-coated to save my feelings.  The harsh realities of a 5 year old with mental illness are just that, HARSH.  Obscuring our reality or that of our future will only cause our family more pain "down the road".


Despite the reality check I got this afternoon, our morning got off to a great start.  Paige "graduated" from pre-school.  I know that many people that feel that graduation for young children is a foolish exercise.  On some levels I agree, we reward our children for almost anything these days.  But today, I am just a proud mom of a little girl.  Today may be the first and last day Paige is on equal footing with her peers.  Today, Paige was just a little girl wearing a white cap and gown.

As I think about the months to come I know that many things will change.  We will have therapists, in our home, 3-4 times a week.  When September rolls around Paige will not be starting kindergarten with the children she graduated with; Paige will go into a special education class.  My hopes for homeschooling Paige are now memories of what I had hoped for; instead she will be taught by another woman.

It is my greatest hope and my constant prayer that Paige will reach a point where her conditions stop worsening.  Often, I used to say to myself, "next year will be different".  Each year is different but not in the ways that I had hoped.  For now I want Paige's internal turmoil to become still.  I want her to do the things an average 5 year old does.  I pray for a time with less therapy and medication.  I want the peace we once had in our home to return.


I am faithful that God knows what is best for Paige and for our family.  It would be so much better if I turned more to Him than to the doctors I seem to talk to daily.  God brought Paige into our world and it is our joy, our pain, and our responsibility to see that she gets the care she needs.  God in turn will take care of our needs as we lay them at His feet.


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