Whose Plan Is It Anyway?

Life doesn’t always work out in the ways that we plan, at least not in my life. Today, I was thinking back on the many of things I had hoped for in my life, most happened quite contradictory to what I imagined. This is not a new a phenomena; it’s been happening since I was 5 years old. I did not grow up to become the fireman or the veterinary I originally hope for early on. I did not finish college in the original studies I began.

Later in life some plans proved more disappointing and devastating to my adult life. These life lessons taught me the cruelty of human nature and the joys, compassion and love of life. Something so very good grew up out of something very destructive and hurtful; at the time I did not understand why I was worthy of redemption.

That time of redemption was more than five years ago. The twists and turns in my life just kept coming. When my husband and I decided to adopt we prayed about adopting a 14 year old, special needs, girl. That child was not meant to be ours. Instead a 14 month old baby girl came in our home. God’s sense of humor was apparent, what we wanted was not meant to be, it was not the plan, it was not His plan.

There are still many things in my life that are “up in the air”. I have hopes about certain situations and I am now uncertain how they will come out in the end. I do not doubt God’s plan but I do doubt my interpretation of it. For the past 10 months I have been setting a course for “Island A” and I seem to be sailing right past. I am heading into uncharted territory. This new place is not bad or undesirable it’s just not what I had planned. At first I pushed against the tide; I fought my way back but it did not work. I am beginning to think I was not meant to see my “Island”.

Now that I have realized I can hold my own in uncharted waters I am beginning to feel OK. I still hold different feelings about my island, some sadness, some selfishness, some “if only” feelings. Despite the feelings I know in my heart that I am now on the right course. It was that little girl inside me that brought me to the place I sit now. Thankfully as a woman I have finally learned that not all dreams come true. Lastly, as a woman of faith, I know that God truly knows my path and where I will end up. My faith will keep my course and I need not fear distant shores.

Perfection Should Be A Four Letter Word.

I have decided to stay on the topic of perfection and talk about how others perceive perfection in children. When we have or adopt children we all hope and pray for the perfect child. Most of the time children are born perfectly happy, healthy, and into loving homes. Despite tantrums at normal developmental milestones and routine childhood illness we are blessed with "perfect children.

What happens though when something goes wrong? When a child is born with a physical or mental disability? What or how do we react when then child we have wanted so badly is less than perfect? I know of a couple that had twins, one twin was born healthy, one twin with down syndrome; the down syndrome baby was put up for adoption. Why was that baby less perfect than his or her twin? I don't have an answer but I think part of the problem is our society's obsession and perception of perfection.

I am the mother of a special needs child. My child looks happy, healthy, beautiful, and carefree. On the outside she is your average 3 year old. On the inside her little brain says something very different. Before the age of 4 months our little baby, whom we adopted at 2 years of age, was a victim of severe abuse and neglect at the hands of her biological family. For almost a year no one person recognized that something was very wrong with the baby.

Flash forward almost 2 years and multiple doctors we now know that our "little" baby has permanent brain damage, Sensory Processing disorder,and she is currently being assessed for ADHD and other conditions. We see numerous physicians, therapists, and a psychologist. No one can see that something is wrong with our little angel. Society only sees the little girl that can't sit still, the little girl that yells a little too much in public sometimes, or doesn't always do what we ask the 5th, 6th, or 7th, time.

Despite many negative reactions to Paige I have learned to use people's unpleasant comments as a means to promote foster care/adoption. I am a tiger when it comes to protecting my girls. So few people know exactly how many children are in foster care, what foster children look like, and that they can be so young. Cute little girls surely can't come from such horrible circumstances.

Even though our baby girl is not your typical 3 year old we would not change our minds about raising a special needs child. Paige has been Our blessing and Our joy. God NEVER gives us more than we can handle. Our day to day life is not always easy but no one person's life is. My journey with Paige has strengthened my love and faith in Jesus Christ. Her needs have taught my oldest daughter patience and compassion.

The greatest gift in life we have received has been this tiny life, helpless and alone, broken, but worth saving.

Psalm 8:2"Out of the mouthes of babies and infants you have established strength BECAUSE of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger."

I Am Not Perfect

To say that these last three weeks have been a happy, conflict free time, would be far from the truth. I had such high hopes for the holiday season, I wanted everything to be as perfect as I could make them. I prepared and prayed, prayed and prepared, that I would be loved and accepted for who I am. More than myself I wanted my children to feel as if they were the most important little people on the planet. As much as I wanted these things for myself and my family they were not to be; I was not good enough, my children were not the center of the earth.

Why is so important to me that I please other people. For one, it was family I was trying to make happy. Secondly, I feel that because I have a relationship with Christ I should know better than to give into ill will and negative, hurtful behavior. I am supposed to turn the other cheek and continue to pray for the person whose is acting without the benefit of a relationship with Christ. I need to be the better person.

After days of digs and criticism things began to take there toll. Daily pray was comforting to me but my problem persisted. I felt as if my holiday was being ruined and I was losing control. Then came a reprieve. The spirit of Christmas and giving brightened the mood in my home. A handmade gift softened the heart of my critical, hard to please family. I thought that things had begun to change and I was full of praise.

Today however I found out I was wrong. Although things were not said to my face words said behind my back are just as hurtful. But this IS a NEW YEAR and I had made a promise to my self to be a better woman. Later today promise was "confirmed" in service during my Pastor's sermon. My Pastor talked about being a model for our children because they are ALWAYS watching. I had to make the decision to take in these unfair critical words and pout in front of my children or be gracious to my guests. Pouting was easy, graciousness was not. So on the last night of my guests' stay I made sure everything was up to their standards and done with a smile. It was the only thing to do.

I am by no means a perfect person; I have a very long way to go on my journey to be the Proverbs Woman I want to be. Each day is a lesson no matter how hard it is for me to learn. Old habits of anger and frustration die hard. I have to learn not to feel guilty if I slip and lay my burdens on Christ. Christ is the ONLY one who can help me with the feeling of inadequacy, stress, feelings of being misunderstood, and under appreciated. Learning to trust and turn over my problems to HIM is not an easy task but in the end I will become the woman I want to be; I will become the woman I want my girls to grow up and become.