I have always thought that one of my main roles as a mother was to protect my child from pain, harm, sickness, and the day to day life struggles that make our lives difficult. Recently, I have had to acknowledge that I can not protect my daughter from the one thing that is causing her constant turmoil. I am helpless in this battle to protect my baby. How can I fight her mental illness?
Over the past two months my 6 year old's daughter's behavior has spiraled out of control. Paige has always had difficulties in her life, nothing has ever come easy for her. Abused and and neglected by her biological family, we her foster family, were left to pick up the pieces of her broken life. By the time she was 3, Paige had lived a life time of sorrow and torment. I hoped and prayed that soon she would recover; the next month or year would be better for her, it had to be.
As time passed, “better” never seemed to come. Birthdays came and went, each year was more difficult than the next. Bad behavior gave way to truly concerning behavior and I find myself here today; exhausted, angry, overwhelmed, sick and tired of doctors who can't agree and doctors who want to jump ship when we need them most. I have done everything that has been asked of me by MD's, psychiatrists, and social workers, and nothing has changed for the better.
Why is it that the professionals do so little and get paid so much? Paige has paid the ultimate price for the ineptitude of "the system". By the Paige was 4 months old she was placed into the foster care system, her needs were never the priority. This country’s foster care system is over burdened and under staffed. Too many children languish in “the system” without a voice or advocate.
It is often hard not to focus on Paige’s start in life. I try not to think about the "what ifs". What if we had been able to adopt Paige a year sooner, what if she did not have to visit her abusers, every week, for 1 1/2 years? What if she had been loved since the day she was born? What if I could have done more? If it weren’t for God’s grace and mercy I think I would be over come with these thoughts. I know that God wanted my husband and I to be Paige’s parents, however He never promised us an easy journey.
Prior to writing this post this I was “moved” to look for a Christian therapist. Within an hour I received a call from the therapist I had e-mailed. After spending 20 minutes discussing Paige I felt confident to schedule an appointment. It may be too early to be hopeful but I feel some what better. Now all I need to do is give my burden over to God, only He can shoulder the burden that has been so heavy on my heart.
