Coming Back To Life

Over the past week or so I have begun to notice changes in myself. I had not been able to put my finger on what was making me feel different, I just knew something in me had changed. As I walked in the door today after grocery shopping I realized what it was. I had come back to life.

I completely underestimated the toll the past year had taken on my life. The threat of loosing our baby in our adoption struggle tainted every aspect of my life. The struggle inflicted emotional pain, dulled my senses to everyday life around me, and I had no idea how many things I had lost interest in doing.

This past weekend with my family was the first weekend in a year where I truly let down my guard and let myself experience all of the joys of being a mom. I did not realize I was holding something back as a means of self protection. Now, I can rejoice in my family without constant fear of loss and pain. It is an amazing feeling I will never take for granted.

I have started doing the small things in life I used to do; I can't even remember why I stopped. Simple things like wearing make-up or getting a manicure, just because, makes me feel good. Today I even bought magazines I haven't bought in a year because I felt like reading. How could I have lived like this and not have realized it? Few people may understand my situation over the past year; if you are a parent you should be able to empathize.

2011 is the start of something new, something good. The days of fear and anxiety are behind us. My family will get all of me not just a shell of the mom and wife they expect. I will truly face each day with joy and give thanks for all that I have been given. I look forward to whatever challenges are ahead knowing I am better prepared to face them.

**This blog was written shortly before the adoption of our daughter Paige. The previous 9 months had been the most difficult of my life. I had lost my faith, my joy, and my reason to believe in humanity. It was only through God grace did I come back to life. With that grace came mercy and love. Our life fell into place and we are living happily ever after.