I Am Not Perfect

To say that these last three weeks have been a happy, conflict free time, would be far from the truth. I had such high hopes for the holiday season, I wanted everything to be as perfect as I could make them. I prepared and prayed, prayed and prepared, that I would be loved and accepted for who I am. More than myself I wanted my children to feel as if they were the most important little people on the planet. As much as I wanted these things for myself and my family they were not to be; I was not good enough, my children were not the center of the earth.

Why is so important to me that I please other people. For one, it was family I was trying to make happy. Secondly, I feel that because I have a relationship with Christ I should know better than to give into ill will and negative, hurtful behavior. I am supposed to turn the other cheek and continue to pray for the person whose is acting without the benefit of a relationship with Christ. I need to be the better person.

After days of digs and criticism things began to take there toll. Daily pray was comforting to me but my problem persisted. I felt as if my holiday was being ruined and I was losing control. Then came a reprieve. The spirit of Christmas and giving brightened the mood in my home. A handmade gift softened the heart of my critical, hard to please family. I thought that things had begun to change and I was full of praise.

Today however I found out I was wrong. Although things were not said to my face words said behind my back are just as hurtful. But this IS a NEW YEAR and I had made a promise to my self to be a better woman. Later today promise was "confirmed" in service during my Pastor's sermon. My Pastor talked about being a model for our children because they are ALWAYS watching. I had to make the decision to take in these unfair critical words and pout in front of my children or be gracious to my guests. Pouting was easy, graciousness was not. So on the last night of my guests' stay I made sure everything was up to their standards and done with a smile. It was the only thing to do.

I am by no means a perfect person; I have a very long way to go on my journey to be the Proverbs Woman I want to be. Each day is a lesson no matter how hard it is for me to learn. Old habits of anger and frustration die hard. I have to learn not to feel guilty if I slip and lay my burdens on Christ. Christ is the ONLY one who can help me with the feeling of inadequacy, stress, feelings of being misunderstood, and under appreciated. Learning to trust and turn over my problems to HIM is not an easy task but in the end I will become the woman I want to be; I will become the woman I want my girls to grow up and become.