Coming Back To Life

Over the past week or so I have begun to notice changes in myself. I had not been able to put my finger on what was making me feel different, I just knew something in me had changed. As I walked in the door today after grocery shopping I realized what it was. I had come back to life.

I completely underestimated the toll the past year had taken on my life. The threat of loosing our baby in our adoption struggle tainted every aspect of my life. The struggle inflicted emotional pain, dulled my senses to everyday life around me, and I had no idea how many things I had lost interest in doing.

This past weekend with my family was the first weekend in a year where I truly let down my guard and let myself experience all of the joys of being a mom. I did not realize I was holding something back as a means of self protection. Now, I can rejoice in my family without constant fear of loss and pain. It is an amazing feeling I will never take for granted.

I have started doing the small things in life I used to do; I can't even remember why I stopped. Simple things like wearing make-up or getting a manicure, just because, makes me feel good. Today I even bought magazines I haven't bought in a year because I felt like reading. How could I have lived like this and not have realized it? Few people may understand my situation over the past year; if you are a parent you should be able to empathize.

2011 is the start of something new, something good. The days of fear and anxiety are behind us. My family will get all of me not just a shell of the mom and wife they expect. I will truly face each day with joy and give thanks for all that I have been given. I look forward to whatever challenges are ahead knowing I am better prepared to face them.

**This blog was written shortly before the adoption of our daughter Paige. The previous 9 months had been the most difficult of my life. I had lost my faith, my joy, and my reason to believe in humanity. It was only through God grace did I come back to life. With that grace came mercy and love. Our life fell into place and we are living happily ever after.

One Last Try

Several months ago I wrote about the end of a friendship. I realized that after 15 years one of my friendship’s had come to an abrupt end. Since I did not have the opportunity to express my regrets face-to-face I tried texts and e-mails. My husband Claus tried to intervene on my behalf, but he too was unsuccessful.

So last March I wrote a farewell blog; I thought this blog would some how settle my conscience. Six months later I still find myself unsettled, unable to forget the friend I had for so long. Despite the fact I said I would not make any more attempts at contact, I sent Theresa one last e-mail.

As a Christian I know that I must offer an apology when I am at fault and forgive when I need to forgive. In this situation I have done both, over and over again. What have I gotten in return? Silence. The 15 years we shared as friends amounted to a cold silence. I thought I deserved better.

As I think back over this situation I now feel sorry for my former friend. One of the qualities most important to Jesus, other Christians, and happy people in general, is love and forgiveness. How much should one person have to grovel before another to be forgiven? Does it make you a better person to hold on to bitterness and anger.

If there is one thing I have learned since I have become a Christian is the joy and freedom of forgiveness. Holding onto anger and resentment only burdens one's heart and sickens one's soul. Forgiveness does not always mean forgetting but it allows one to let go and move on in life. I know now that it's my time to move on; there is nothing I can do, nothing more I can say.

This is a December update. I thought that I had said my good-byes but I was wrong. I gave it one last try from Christmas. I once again said my "I'm sorries and let's be friends". I got NO response. I guess something are meant to die. Our friendship was one of them. So goodbye Theresa, it was great knowing you.

Blessings In Disguise

When my family and I moved to North Carolina last June we did so with very specific expectations. Ok, I had very specific expectations about what I wanted life to be like. Not having the luxury of of growing up with my brother; I had a longing to fill the void of 41 lost years. I envisioned that our lives would blend into a series of picture perfect picnics or weekly Sunday dinners at each other’s homes.

As the weeks went by and we became more settled our new life began to change. Sunday dinners became less frequent and my brother and his family dropped by less and less. The reality of of our new real life began to set in; I realized my story book dreams were just that, sweet dreams wrapped in pretty bows.

Life in North Carolina however has been far from disappointing. As with most things in life, the plans I set out for myself may not be what God has in store for me or my family. God has a great sense of humor and it is usually at my expense. God and I are good with this situation; I have learned to accept and obey.

In my former home state of Connecticut, I often felt lost; sometimes spiritually and many times lost in the circle of people I presumed to be my friends. Frequently I felt as if I did not fit in, or worse that I had very few people to rely upon - true friends. Despite being a member of a church with more than 2,000 members I felt lonely; one would think this would be impossible.

Life in Lillington, North Carolina could not be more different than suburban Connecticut. I miss the fall foliage and my friends who truly cared about me, however little else in New England holds any more appeal for me. If I were never to return north I do not think I would be sad. I hope to see my friends again and that would be my only reason for a trip north.

My home is now this southern sanctuary. Life exists without pretense or pressure. The people who have come into my life are genuine, kind, and accepting. I am proud to say that I am developing friendships with many great women and men. I often feel as if I am a movie; things are almost to good to be true.

My family has encountered overwhelming warmth from our new neighbors. We have received numerous knocks on the doors more times than I can count from strangers bearing gifts of hospitality. As a cynical Northerner I am in disbelief; as a Christian I am overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.

Although my story book expectations of life have not lived up to my familial drams I am happy. We are forming a new family; one bound by Southern hospitality and good ol’ Christian faith. Our church and faith are the center of our family and from there we are developing lasting relationships.

It is hard for me to conceive that Christmas has come and gone. The 2011 Christmas season started the day after Thanksgiving for our family. Our house was filled with family and friends; I knew that a season of joy lay ahead. Little did I know that I would be tested along the way; someone or something wanted to steal my joy.

Christmas is about more than just presents and decorations for our family. The birth of Christ is the true meaning for the season. Often we, as adults, get caught up in the stresses and drama of everyday life. We forget about what we should be teaching our children. Unfortunately, our children our drawn into the mass marketing schemes of cleverly placed ads during each and every children’s TV show. Toys become the focus of every child’s dreams. Soon Jesus ends up being just a figure in our Nativity sets.

This year I was prepared. I began each day with scripture readings to go along with our Advent calendars. We decorated our “school house” to commemorate Christmas; we honestly tried to keep the reason for the season. So you must be thinking: “What’s wrong with you?” I have a very simple answer: me!

I became the problem. I let events that were beyond my control, control my feelings and reactions during the last 2 weeks leading up to Christmas. As a Christian I tend to hold myself to a higher standard of behavior in certain situations. As Christmas drew closer I knew I would be faced with a potentially difficult situation. I prepared myself with daily prayer and I felt comforted as my personal D-day drew near. With God on my side I was going to withstand anything!

I considered myself a fortress, able to withstand any unkindness, criticism, or harsh words unleashed my way. Guess what?? I was wrong. I crumbled like a tower built on sand. I let myself be hurt by others words. My strength escaped me. I knew that God had NOT failed me, only that I was failing myself. For days I continued to be battered. Then one very late night I realized it was not about me, it was never about me. The person who has been hurting me does not have the benefit of a relationship with Christ. If she or he did I would not be writing this blog. There is a certain joy in one’s life that only comes from knowing Jesus; that joy eases the sorrow and pain that otherwise makes our day to day life unhappy.

There were other, minor, distractions during Christmas week. Last minute changes to plans and not getting everything accomplished that I wanted to get done. In the overall picture however these annoyances did nothing to actually change Christmas, only my perception of how it should be. I let my frustration with people and events alter my mood and my mind.

Finally on Christmas Eve I was able to get back the Christmas spirit I had been searching for. My girls and I took our golf cart and decided to deliver Christmas cookies to our neighbors. We had a great time! We had not yet had the opportunity to meet one of our neighbors. Mrs. M. is a lovely lady and ended up stuffing my pockets full of candy for the girls despite my protests. Our other friends were grateful for my cookies and the thought behind making them. I was happy to be able to give them out.

I am sorry now that I wasted so much energy on negative emotion. Next year if I find myself in a similar circumstance I know to just remove myself from the situation. Isn’t Christmas after all about giving? God gave his only Son to the world so that we might live. If I am able to give 11 dozen Christmas cookies out to raise my spirits it is certainly a small price to pay for a Merry Christmas.

Pushing Proverbs

In 2006 my life changed in many ways; falling off a horse and fracturing your spine in 5 place will generally do that to a woman. Most people would think that nothing good would come out of something so life altering. My professional life came to an end, and so did the $71,000.00+ a year salary. Initially I felt that my identity was lost when I lost my job. What was I without a title and a paycheck? I had worked from the time I was 16 years old, what would others think of me without my career?

Prior to 2006 I was not a Christian. I had a strong faith in Jesus, but I had not given my life over to our savior. While I was busy recovering and trying to work out the details of my new life God was busy putting his plans into action. Little did I know then that 5 short years later would I put the same passion into my faith, my family, and my life. And so begins my Proverbs push, I want to become the superwoman of the bible. I don’t want to be Martha Stuart, I want to be the original Martha.

Since my accident I have not had the stamina or the “drive” I once had. I do not have the physical endurance and pain often limits many of the things I can do. Horse back riding is no longer an option. On thing that has never suffered is caring for my family. I realized though, there is so much more I want to give. There is more I want to be; I am not satisfied being just a good wife and mother, I want to be a great wife and mother.

My husband and children deserve all of me, not what is left over after a day of stress. Some women may read and say:
“Are you joking? What planet are you on?”

My Proverbs push however is not a burden or extra work in my already busy schedule. I actually find myself taking pride in trying to live by Proverbs 31:10-31. I am making myself happy by seeing my family happy. I have accomplished more in the last 5 years than I ever did in my professional career. I am raising my children and shaping their lives; I am truly blessed to have this opportunity.

Not everyone woman can stay home to run a household and homeschool her children. Even women who work outside the home can make small changes in her life to honor God, family, and self. We may never know if the Proverbs woman was a real woman or one created as an example of what a woman should be. I have come to love a passage that once upon a time I would have considered oppressive. Everything we do should be done to glorify God; I can think of no better way to glorify God than by honoring and cherishing my family.