Greener Grass

I have spent a good deal of my life wishing for something that I did not have.  As a culture we always seem to want bigger, better, faster, prettier.  As a Mom I have longed for what the "Jones'" had.   My children, though young, did the same with clothes and toys. We always seem to want what we don't have.

A number of events in the past week have caused me to think to myself, "are we ever satisfied"?  I was disheartened to hear a friend complain that her child was not acting the way she thought she should behave.  Life with children rarely falls into place, exactly as one hopes.  Most of us are lucky if we make it through the day having cleaned the house, showered, and cooked a meal.  For those of us fortunate enough to stay home with our children, we should cherish every moment with them, even the terrible moments.  Time with our children should not be looked back upon in regret.

North Carolina is a beautiful state.  I love the diversity of the landscape and the friendliness of the people.   We have truly enjoyed living life, in our small southern town.  This week, my dearest friend came for a visit.  Her visit made me realize that I was very quick to pick up and move to perceived greener pastures.  Unfortunately, I did not check out the landscape.  While I live in a lovely place, it does not always have the warm feeling of home.  My friend's visit made me realize just how much I miss the important people I left behind.

Many years ago, I belonged to a club called "Bloom Where You Are Planted".  Even though the patch of earth that I landed on in NC, isn't quite as green as I hoped, I still intend to flourish.  God has many good things in store for myself and my family.  My dreams of being united with a brother I never knew are gone, but I have found loving friends.  We may not have family here in NC,  but we have a supportive church family.   Lastly, but most importantly,  God has shown me that I do not need to continue seeking greener pastures.  In His loving care, He will provide all the we need.  He is our Strength and our Provider.

"As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes."

Psalms 103:15

Some Days

As moms we all have "some days".  Some days with our children are good, some are great, some just stink.  In general, I believe that most most families have more good days than bad.  Our home is different, we go through phases. Like the moon our 5 year old daughter's moods wax and wane from week to week.  I pray for consistency and hope for peace.

Being a 5 year old is tough stuff.  You are not quite old enough to do the things your older sibling(s) can do.  You watch and wait for your chance to sneak a snack, the TV remote, the book  left open on the kitchen table, or the full glass of tea set out on the counter.  Things however, usually end badly.  Most often in tears.  For Paige, tears do not come because she is caught red-handed, they come from a sense of frustration, anger, or complete loss of patience.  This is no ordinary day, she is no ordinary 5 year old.

I don't think that we have had many so called normal days in a very long time.  Our days are dictated by whatever impulses are firing in Paige's brain, on any given day.  Like letters in the alphabet our lives have defined by ADHD, SPD, OCD, ANXIETY, STATIC ENCEPHALOPATHY, and some we don't have names for yet. " Our days" turn into a weeks, waiting for a peace with our little spit fire Paige.

  The words that I say on Monday: “no”, “stop”, “please don't”, etc. were said over and over again, more times than I could ever count.  I never realized that one child could be so incredibly smart and yet struggle so much. Following simple rules and simple requests is a monumental task.  I wish that Paige's biological parent's could comprehend how their actions have so negatively impacted a young child's life.

So much is often misunderstood with children like Paige.  When we go out  Paige is often looked upon as an unruly child.  I have been looked upon as a mother who can not control her child.  Knowing who and when to ask for help with Paige has also been difficult.  While most friends and family have been understanding some have not.  As with anything in family life, we turn first to God and everything else will work out.

My hope is that one day we will have more consistently good days than crazy ones.  As Paige grows and matures I pray that she is able to better deal with challenges she currently faces.  In time, I know that she will be able to get dressed without crying, go to the bathroom without an audience, and I will stop saying “no” 1,000 times a day.  Until then my faith and my Heavenly Father will see me through everyday.

A Time For Change

What can a women do, when it seems as if nothing she has done in the past year, has made a difference to anyone?  I have been asking myself that for the past few weeks.  My family, and I, have had one of the best summers I can remember. We are truly blessed.  This summer we bought a small house by the beach. Our little oasis has given me the time and peace I needed to think about what I must to do going forward.  I know now what positive changes I needed to make for our family as a whole.

May and the beginning of June were quite daunting.  We faced especially difficult challenges with our 5 year old daughter.  Anyone who has ever adopted a child, who was the victim of or abuse or neglect, can understand the challenges we face.  Every aspect of our daughter's life seemed to to fall apart while we watched:  behavioral health, mental health, and physical health.  Finally in July we got things to a manageable state with Paige.  All that was left was the task of finding dr.s to treat her her many conditions.

Along with Paige’s mental and physical challenges I had been I wrestling with the decision of what to do with her education. Kindergarten registration was quickly approaching. Should I send Paige to public school?  Was I meeting her needs?  Could I do the right thing by homeschool?

 As a homeschooling mother the thought of sending Paige to public school broke my heart.  I felt as if I was letting Paige down.  On the other hand I faced and ever greater challenge in keeping Paige home.  Would my oldest daughter suffer?  Paige's disruptive behavior often took a toll on my oldest daughter's day to day life.  I did not have a clue as to what I could do to make things work for both girls.

I have been truly blessed to have the constant support of a kind friend.   My friend Michelle has been there for me through the worst of the melt downs and trauma of this summer.  Without the support of my  loving husband Claus, and my friend Michelle, things would have been quite difficult.  I can not overlook the the sweet spirit and helpfulness of my oldest daughter.  She is growing up to be a wonderful young women.  Lastly, but certainly not least, I COULD NOT have made my decision without prayer and reliance on my God.   

At last, my choices have been made.  I will keep Paige home where she belongs.  I will transition my girls to the Charlotte Mason method of homeschooling.  Charlotte Mason is considered to be the founder of home education.  Her methods are grounded in faith and centered on the family environment.  Her methods are also conducive to a child that has as many challenges as Paige.   Conversely, the CM will provide enough challenges to keep my eldest daughter busy and engaged.

Change has been good, change has been unwanted, change has been difficult, as always God sees us through change.

The Love Of Family

For as long as I can remember I have had dreams of happy family reunions.  Not the sort of family reunions you see at summer get togethers where children, aunts, and uncles, moms and dads, all wear tee shirts that say something like:  "The Smiths - 2013.  In my dreams, I always wanted to find the family members I did not know while I was growing up.  Dreams of meeting my paternal grandparents, a brother, my bio-dad, aunts, uncles and cousins consumed my adult life.  Sometimes dreams do come true.  Sometimes you get what you wish for, sometimes you don't, sometimes God steps in and changes your life.

I have been blessed, my dreams came true.  After many years of searching I found many of my long lost family members.  Unfortunately, not all dreams are have happy endings; some of my family members had died before I was able to locate them.  For me though, I had peace of mind knowing that I finally knew where I would one day find my deceased family members.  The reunion with most of the remaining family members was as good as I hoped, sweet, loving, and accepting.  I was welcomed with open arms and open hearts.  My years of searching were worth the wait and stress, I was loved for who I was, a niece, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend.

My reunion was not a success with everyone in my newly found family.  A relationship that seemingly got off to good start fizzled within months.  This was the relationship that I had put all of my "emotional eggs" into a giant basket called North Carolina.  Blinded by the "high" of a dream come true, I focused on catching up on 41 missing years of a relationship.   Little did I realized that this would be a lop sided relationship.   I would not get the love and friendship I so desperately wanted, at least not from the family member in question.  

What I failed to realize at the time was that I did not need to go to such extremes to find love and acceptance.  God loves me more than any dream I chase.  All the years of doubt and longing could have been avoided if I had only known the love of Christ.  Christ can open our hearts and heal any wound.  The love of Christ can heal the wounds of lost love, abandonment, and rejection.  One need not suffer loneliness because we are never truly alone.  We all carry Christ in our hearts if we only CHOOSE to open them.  My move to NC and my fizzled relationship has taught me so much about love and family, more than I ever thought I could learn.  My heart has been opened and it is healed not because of an earthly man, but through the love of our Savior Jesus Christ.