A Time For Change

What can a women do, when it seems as if nothing she has done in the past year, has made a difference to anyone?  I have been asking myself that for the past few weeks.  My family, and I, have had one of the best summers I can remember. We are truly blessed.  This summer we bought a small house by the beach. Our little oasis has given me the time and peace I needed to think about what I must to do going forward.  I know now what positive changes I needed to make for our family as a whole.

May and the beginning of June were quite daunting.  We faced especially difficult challenges with our 5 year old daughter.  Anyone who has ever adopted a child, who was the victim of or abuse or neglect, can understand the challenges we face.  Every aspect of our daughter's life seemed to to fall apart while we watched:  behavioral health, mental health, and physical health.  Finally in July we got things to a manageable state with Paige.  All that was left was the task of finding dr.s to treat her her many conditions.

Along with Paige’s mental and physical challenges I had been I wrestling with the decision of what to do with her education. Kindergarten registration was quickly approaching. Should I send Paige to public school?  Was I meeting her needs?  Could I do the right thing by homeschool?

 As a homeschooling mother the thought of sending Paige to public school broke my heart.  I felt as if I was letting Paige down.  On the other hand I faced and ever greater challenge in keeping Paige home.  Would my oldest daughter suffer?  Paige's disruptive behavior often took a toll on my oldest daughter's day to day life.  I did not have a clue as to what I could do to make things work for both girls.

I have been truly blessed to have the constant support of a kind friend.   My friend Michelle has been there for me through the worst of the melt downs and trauma of this summer.  Without the support of my  loving husband Claus, and my friend Michelle, things would have been quite difficult.  I can not overlook the the sweet spirit and helpfulness of my oldest daughter.  She is growing up to be a wonderful young women.  Lastly, but certainly not least, I COULD NOT have made my decision without prayer and reliance on my God.   

At last, my choices have been made.  I will keep Paige home where she belongs.  I will transition my girls to the Charlotte Mason method of homeschooling.  Charlotte Mason is considered to be the founder of home education.  Her methods are grounded in faith and centered on the family environment.  Her methods are also conducive to a child that has as many challenges as Paige.   Conversely, the CM will provide enough challenges to keep my eldest daughter busy and engaged.

Change has been good, change has been unwanted, change has been difficult, as always God sees us through change.

The Love Of Family

For as long as I can remember I have had dreams of happy family reunions.  Not the sort of family reunions you see at summer get togethers where children, aunts, and uncles, moms and dads, all wear tee shirts that say something like:  "The Smiths - 2013.  In my dreams, I always wanted to find the family members I did not know while I was growing up.  Dreams of meeting my paternal grandparents, a brother, my bio-dad, aunts, uncles and cousins consumed my adult life.  Sometimes dreams do come true.  Sometimes you get what you wish for, sometimes you don't, sometimes God steps in and changes your life.

I have been blessed, my dreams came true.  After many years of searching I found many of my long lost family members.  Unfortunately, not all dreams are have happy endings; some of my family members had died before I was able to locate them.  For me though, I had peace of mind knowing that I finally knew where I would one day find my deceased family members.  The reunion with most of the remaining family members was as good as I hoped, sweet, loving, and accepting.  I was welcomed with open arms and open hearts.  My years of searching were worth the wait and stress, I was loved for who I was, a niece, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend.

My reunion was not a success with everyone in my newly found family.  A relationship that seemingly got off to good start fizzled within months.  This was the relationship that I had put all of my "emotional eggs" into a giant basket called North Carolina.  Blinded by the "high" of a dream come true, I focused on catching up on 41 missing years of a relationship.   Little did I realized that this would be a lop sided relationship.   I would not get the love and friendship I so desperately wanted, at least not from the family member in question.  

What I failed to realize at the time was that I did not need to go to such extremes to find love and acceptance.  God loves me more than any dream I chase.  All the years of doubt and longing could have been avoided if I had only known the love of Christ.  Christ can open our hearts and heal any wound.  The love of Christ can heal the wounds of lost love, abandonment, and rejection.  One need not suffer loneliness because we are never truly alone.  We all carry Christ in our hearts if we only CHOOSE to open them.  My move to NC and my fizzled relationship has taught me so much about love and family, more than I ever thought I could learn.  My heart has been opened and it is healed not because of an earthly man, but through the love of our Savior Jesus Christ.

How Do I Say Good-Bye

Exactly one week today my life, and the lives of my family changed forever.  Three members of my family were killed in a violent car accident.  My Aunt Mary, her husband, my Uncle George, and my Aunt Judy, all were together celebrating a family wedding, were taken from this life much too soon.  All left children behind who still needed their guidance, love, and support.

I have been fortunate in my life to never have experienced loss on such a grand scale.  When my mother called to tell me the devastating news I was overcome with grief.  I felt as if I had been blindsided by an immense wave of sorrow.  For 2 days I had to make a deliberate effort to breath before I spoke so that I would not cry.

Since the wake and the funeral were to be held in New York I had hours of drive time to think about the events of the past week.  My sorrow turned to denial as I could no longer comprehend the deaths of  my family members.  My Uncle had just beaten cancer, and he and my Aunt were going to enjoy their summers in their newly remodeled summer home.  My Aunt Judy had just seen her daughter married, daughters are supposed to have their moms around.

The day of the wake had come, it was the day I was most dreading, deep in my heart.  I did not know how I could say good-bye to people I loved so dearly.  What I had not expected was the outpouring of love and support from the community, and friends of my Aunt and Uncle.  My cousin is a police officer; officers and fireman from surrounding towns and districts came out in staggering numbers.  Former colleagues,  community club members, and every person my Aunt or Uncle’s life ever touched was at the wake.  Six hundred people in all turned up to pay their final respects to, two beautiful people.

On that evening I realized that I had not been living my life to its fullest potential.  In the last year I had taken steps to better my life, but my life is not in the place I want it to be should I leave this earth and join my God.  I want to grow into a deeper relationship with my God.  I feel that I am on a right path for that walk, but I still have some distance to go.  My family needs to become a bigger priority when we have down time.  My house does not always need to sparkle, I don’t need to clean all day Saturday and forget to play.  I need to be as good a wife as the best wives in the bible.  We don’t have many modern day woman to look to as examples, the bible is the best place to look.

The best way I can honor the death of my loved ones is to live my life to the fullest every day.  I am going to formalize my goals by putting together a program based on my walk with God and scripture.  I know that through God, I will have the strength to live a healthier, happier, life.  I want to love more, give more, laugh more, pray more; I want more of things that are not earthly.  My new life will be my way of saying good-bye to my beloved family.  I will be living a life that will be full enough if it is ever cut short.

Whose Plan Is It Anyway?

Life doesn’t always work out in the ways that we plan, at least not in my life. Today, I was thinking back on the many of things I had hoped for in my life, most happened quite contradictory to what I imagined. This is not a new a phenomena; it’s been happening since I was 5 years old. I did not grow up to become the fireman or the veterinary I originally hope for early on. I did not finish college in the original studies I began.

Later in life some plans proved more disappointing and devastating to my adult life. These life lessons taught me the cruelty of human nature and the joys, compassion and love of life. Something so very good grew up out of something very destructive and hurtful; at the time I did not understand why I was worthy of redemption.

That time of redemption was more than five years ago. The twists and turns in my life just kept coming. When my husband and I decided to adopt we prayed about adopting a 14 year old, special needs, girl. That child was not meant to be ours. Instead a 14 month old baby girl came in our home. God’s sense of humor was apparent, what we wanted was not meant to be, it was not the plan, it was not His plan.

There are still many things in my life that are “up in the air”. I have hopes about certain situations and I am now uncertain how they will come out in the end. I do not doubt God’s plan but I do doubt my interpretation of it. For the past 10 months I have been setting a course for “Island A” and I seem to be sailing right past. I am heading into uncharted territory. This new place is not bad or undesirable it’s just not what I had planned. At first I pushed against the tide; I fought my way back but it did not work. I am beginning to think I was not meant to see my “Island”.

Now that I have realized I can hold my own in uncharted waters I am beginning to feel OK. I still hold different feelings about my island, some sadness, some selfishness, some “if only” feelings. Despite the feelings I know in my heart that I am now on the right course. It was that little girl inside me that brought me to the place I sit now. Thankfully as a woman I have finally learned that not all dreams come true. Lastly, as a woman of faith, I know that God truly knows my path and where I will end up. My faith will keep my course and I need not fear distant shores.